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[Joke] Microsoft Fortunes

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Auteur Message
Yann
Sujet du message : [Joke] Microsoft Fortunes
Publié : 21 juin 2004 12:45
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Messages : 275
Inscription : 05 nov. 2003 14:51
Localisation : Yvelines (78)
 
Win98 error 001: Unexpected condition: booted without crashing.
%
Win98 error 002: Insufficient diskspace. You need at least 300 GB free memory.
%
Win98 error 003: Illegal ASM instruction. If your modem worked properly, the
FBI would have been called.
%
Win NT error 001: Error recording error codes. All further errors not
displayed.
%
Win98 error 004: Virus activated from DOS Prompt - but the virus requires
Windows. Your system will be rebooted for the Virus to take effect. [ OK ]
%
Win98 error 005: Mouse not found. Click left mouse button on ok to continue.
%
Win98 error 006: Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue.
%
Win98 error 007: Fatal error: unforseeable condition: Your system has booted
without crashing. Shutting down to compensate.
%
Win98 error 008: Illegal copies of Microsoft software found on harddisk, and
the modem didn't respond to our attempts to call the FBI.
%
Win98 errors 019-999: Reserved for future use; presently used only to occupy
49.3 MB diskspace.
%
WinNT error 002: Out of memory - you have only 536,870,912 bytes of free RAM.
%
WinNT error 003: FPU error - enter any 11 digit prime number to continue.
%
Hiroshima '45, Tschernobyl '86, Windows '98
%
Sbelling chequed wyth MICROSOFT SPELLCHECKER - vorgs grate!
%
It's Windows 95 rather than Windows 4.0 because starting 1995, the
government requires a decay date on software.
%
Computers have a lot in common with air conditioners:
Once you open WINDOWS, they stop working properly.
%
Windows 98 is like a gun - unless it's loaded, it's harmless.
%
Customer: "I've just installed Windows 98..."
Tech Support: "And?"
Customer: "The computer stopped working."
Tech Support: "You already said that..."
%
The ultimate Windows 98 keyboard: Ctrl, Alt + Del on one big key!
%
Win98 is called Win98 because 98 is the number of bugs occurring right after
inserting the CD.
%
Win98 is called Win98 because 98 bugs have been added since the last version
%
Win98 is called Win98 because after the system crashed 98 times, you have to
reinstall.
%
Win98 is called Win98 because you need 98 MB RAM to install it.
%
Win98 is called Win98 because no matter how fast your computer is, Windoze
will use up 98% of the system resources for itself.
%
Win98 is called Win98 because it is 98% slower than Linux.
%
Win98 is called Win98 because there is a 98% probability that it will crash
during installation
%
Win98 is called Win98 because it will take 98 years until the next version
will be released - it was announced for 1999...
%
Win98 is called Win98 because 98% of the code is untested
%
Win98 is called Win98 because 98% of all hardware components will need
driver updates.
%
Win98 is called Win98 because 98% of all hardware components will NEVER have
WDM-drivers
%
Win98 is called Win98 because you need to update at least 98% of your
hardware before it can be installed
%
Win98 is called Win98 because it is about as stable and flexible as Linux
0.0.98 (or at least, Microsoft claims it is)
%
The difference between Microsoft and 'Jurassic Parc':
In one, a mad businessman makes a lot of money with beasts that should be
extinct.
The other is a film.
%
Windows 98 - the operating system of world records!
100 million sold copies, 200 million installed copies,
200 billion crashes.
%
New Microsoft PnP documents released: http://www.microsoft.eu.org/PnP.html
%
Microsoft's website has moved: http://www.microsoft.eu.org/
%
Windows 98 is *NOT* a virus - viruses are small and efficient.
%
286 emulator for Pentium II released: It's called Windows NT.
%
Windows - what do you want to crash today?
%
System Error - Virus 'MS-WINDOWS' found!! Erase [Y/Y]?
%
Windows 98 supports real multitasking! It can boot and crash simultaneously!
%
Windows 98: Not Plug & Play, but Bug & Pay!
%
Win98 error 009: Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
%
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change to take
effect. Reboot now? [ OK ]
%
Do you remember when you only had to pay for windows when *you* broke them?
%
Microsoft should switch to the vacuum cleaner business where people actually
want products that suck.
%
The first time Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is when they
start making vacuum cleaners.
%
NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Not Trustworthy".
%
NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Not Tested".
%
NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "No Thanks".
%
NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Nasty Technology".
%
NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Nothing There".
%
NT (as in Windows NT) is short for "Needs Testing".
%
Microsoft is not Y2K compliant: Windows 95, 98, ... and back again to 01
%
"Nobody will ever need more than 640k RAM!"
-- Bill Gates, 1981
"Windows 95 needs at least 8 MB RAM."
-- Bill Gates, 1996
"Nobody will ever need Windows 95."
-- logical conclusion
%
Choose two:
(A) Fast
(B) Efficient
(C) Stable
(D) Windows 98 (counts as two)
%
Are you scared of speed? If so, try Windows NT.
%
Windows 98 is the most popular virus on the market today.
%
Windows 98 is so intuitive that you need only 9.8 megabytes of help files!
%
Windows is the only solitaire game that requires 16 MB of RAM.
%
The word "Windows" is a word out of an old dialect of the Apaches.
It means: "White man staring through glass-screen onto an
hourglass..."
%
Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
%
Windows 95 is crash compatible with Windows 1.0, 2.x, and 3.x.
%
The nice thing about Windows is, it doesn't just crash, it
displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first. (At least,
occasionally...)
%
Some Windows were made to be broken.
%
Turn your Pentium II into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\>
%
Windows NT - Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
%
I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying...
%
I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
%
Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore...
%
Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows NT!
%
A computer without Windows is like a chocolate cake without mustard.
%
Coming soon: Visual Edlin for Windows.
%
Microsoft just released a new product:
Microsoft Windows for Windows(TM).
The ultimate Windows emulator for the Windows platform! Only $900!
%
Windows 99 has been released! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
%
Windows 98 is guaranteed to make your system 98% slower.
%
The Windows 98 CD-ROM makes an excellent skeet shoot target.
%
Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows!
%
Welcome to Hell! Here's your copy of Windows 98!
%
Windows NT Performance, on the next "In Search Of"
%
Windows NT: Only 64 megs needed to play Minesweeper!
%
Windows: an Unrecoverable Acquisition Error!
%
The package said "requires Microsoft Windows 95 or better" - I don't
understand why it doesn't work on my pocket calculator!
%
The sad thing about Windows bashing is that it's all true.
%
Linux vs. Windows is a no-WIN situation.
%
In 1968 it took the computing power of 2 C-64's to fly a rocket to the moon.
Now, in 1998 it takes the Power of a Pentium 200 to run Microsoft Windows 98.
Something must have gone wrong.
%
Microsoft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22
million bugs!
%
Robert Tappen Morris, Jr., got six months in jail for crashing 10% of the
computers that Bill Gates made $100 million crashing last weekend.
%
It is not too late to turn back from the GATES of hell. Use Linux.
%
The gates in my computer are AND, OR and NOT; they are not Bill.
%
It's always a bad time for bills - especially phone bills and Bills Gates.
%
There are two kinds of people: people who USED Linux and like it
and people who never used Linux and don't like it.
%
If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft.
%
The Microsoft Motto: "We're the leaders, wait for us!"
%
Windows: celebrating ten years of obsolescence
%
Microsoft Windows didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten
years of careful development
%
Linux: The OS people choose without $200,000,000 of persuasion
%
How dare the government intervene to stifle innovation in the computer
industry! That's Microsoft's job, dammit!
%
It's trivial to make fun of Microsoft products, but it takes a real man to
make them work, and a god to make them do anything useful.
%
Win98 error 009: Erroneous error: Nothing is wrong.
%
Time out error: Operator fell asleep while waiting for Windows NT to complete
boot procedure.
%
Quick! Call Guiness book of world records! My Windows 98 hasn't crashed for
2 hours, 43 minutes and 9 seconds!!!
%
Quick! Call Guiness book of world records! Windows NT has been running for
2 days without crashing!
%
Windows found - Remove? (Y)es (S)ure (F)ine (O)K (M)ake it so
%
Is that a 286 or are you just running Windows?
%
Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were playing a friendly game of Frisbee at the Gates
estate on the shore of Lake Washington. At one point, Bill accidentally sends
the Frisbee over Steve's head, and the Frisbee lands in the lake. Steve walks
out onto the surface of the lake and retrieves the Frisbee.
The next day the newspapers report:
Gates' Throw Exceeds Expectations
Apple CEO Unable to Swim
%
Q: How do you fix all Windows bugs at once?
A: Type DELTREE C:\WINDOWS
%
Q: What is the difference between Jurassic Park and Microsoft?
A: One is an over-rated high tech theme park based on prehistoric information
and populated mostly by dinosaurs, the other is a Steven Spielberg movie.
%
Q: What's the difference between Windows 95 and a highly destructive virus?
A: About 300 MB of hard disk space.
%
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one
to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried
reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because
the light bulb in our office works fine..."
%
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision
for light bulbs to be removed.
%
Q: How many Microsoft tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve. One to work the bulb, and eleven to write a 1,123 page guide to
changing lightbulbs ("Learn Lightbulb Management in 21 Days").
%
Q: Why is Microsoft's Product Support a failure?
A: Because Microsoft needs a Support Group instead.
%
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums?
A: Warning label.
%
Q: What do you call 50 Microsoft products in a trashcan?
A: A darned good start.
%
No Microsoft products were used in any way for the creation of this message.
If you are using a Microsoft product to view it, BEWARE! - I'm not
responsible for any harm you might encounter as a result.
%
In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable.
Then howcome people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished?
%
Microsoft Fortune v1.1
(c) 1901-1998 by Microsoft, Corp., Redmond, USA

FORTUNE caused a general protection fault in module FORTUNE at 0123:4567.
Press [ OK ] to reboot.
%
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at
you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".
%
If Microsoft built cars, every time they repainted the lines on the road
you would have to buy a new car.
%
If Microsoft built cars, your car would frequently die on the freeway for
no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally also, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you
would accept this too.
%
If Microsoft built cars, you could only have one person in the car at a
time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy
more seats.
%
If Microsoft built cars, the Linux community would make a car that was powered
by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, and
available freely - but only 5 percent of the people would use it.
%
If Microsoft built cars, the Linux car owners would get expensive
Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much
slower.
%
If Microsoft built cars, the oil, gas, and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
%
If Microsoft built cars, seats would force everyone to have the same size
butt.
%
If Microsoft built cars, the airbag system would say "are you sure?"
before going off.
%
If Microsoft built cars, If you were involved in a crash, you would have
no idea what happened.
%
If Microsoft built cars, you would have to press the "Start" button to turn
them off.
%
Microsoft's biggest and most dangerous contribution to the software
industry may be the degree to which it has lowered user expectations.
%
Last night (9/30-10/1) at midnight, Mr. Bill's Browser 4.0 was released.
Late last night, between midnight and 1:30, somebody (MS? probably)
dumped a huge IE logo on Netscape's front lawn (a metal shell,
apparently, deep enough to stand up on its own). They probably expected
that we wouldn't notice until morning, and wouldn't be able to get
equipment to move it until 11:00 or so, and some press cameras would come
by in the meantime; we wouldn't be able to bring legal action, 'cause we
wouldn't have any proof, and we'd just look whiny.

Well. Needless to say, MS was dumb: they forgot that we're *here* at
midnight! Somebody spotted it, and, rather than waste effort trying to
get rid of the logo, they decided to slap MS in the face with it instead.
(Figuratively. :-) They gathered people to help, and they tipped over the
IE logo so that it was lying on its back, spraypainted "Netscape Now" on
the side facing the street...and then carried over our 7-foot-tall statue
of Mozilla (Netscape's Godzillaoid mascot) and stood it up on top of the
IE logo.

So now we have Mozilla standing on top of the defeated IE (with his thumb
up and a grin on his face), and people are wandering by and taking
pictures; it got covered in by local papers and TV, and I've been told
Reuters picked it up. Not the sort of thing we'd publicize on purpose,
'cause it is a little childish...but they started it! :-)
-- A Netscape employee
%
NT is secure....
as long as you don't remove the shrink wrap.
%
Windows 98 recently won a price as best vacuum cleaner ever.
Comment from one of the testers: "Windows 98 sucks more than anything..."
%


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Huguetto
Sujet du message :
Publié : 29 juin 2004 17:07
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Messages : 19
Inscription : 05 mai 2003 19:14
 
Nobody replies :(

I thank you, because your post helped me to make something that I've wanted for months.


_________________
Windows 3x forever ! !


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kdntl
Sujet du message :
Publié : 05 mars 2005 22:14
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Messages : 7
Inscription : 26 oct. 2004 12:53
 
To those who don't know, the fortune command randomly gives an adage, a quotation or a joke on UNIX. Funny!


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